In six days it will have been a year since my husband died. I'm still wearing my wedding rings, with Rick's wedding band on my finger first, then my wedding band and last my engagement ring. Rick's ring is big on my finger but the other rings hold it on.
Sometimes I think about taking the rings off.
I actually took them off for about 48 hours about a month ago. I set them on my nightstand, then proceeded to check on them about 50 times a day. I kept running my fingers over the indentation on my left ring finger the whole time.
The first time I had to leave the house I put them back on and haven't removed them again since then.
I still feel married. In my mind, I am still married. I want to still be married. I want to wake up some morning and find it's been a horrible dream and I am still married to my love.
I can't imagine feeling single anytime soon. Maybe someday I'll feel single instead of feeling married. Maybe someday I'll be ready to take the rings off.
But not yet.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Monday, July 16, 2007
Posts from April
Posted elsewhere on 4/04/07:
I'm still here reading when I can. Not everyday though. Still no insurance money so funds are getting tight and eBay has become a neccessity not a hobby.
The van and the truck are both in Rick's name, tags expired on his birthday and I can't find the paperwork to renew and switch to my name. I got a registered letter today from the city....something about the water shutoff is broken and I need to repair it. I called them to ask who I contact to get the repairs done....lady says she doesn't know. I lost it and yelled at her, if she works there and she doesn't know who does these repairs, how in the h*ll am I supposed to know? We took out a refund anticipation loan right before Rick died(not my idea and I didn't want to), the loan was due shortly after his death. They keep calling and calling me, I don't have the business paperwork done to file the taxes and I don't have the money to pay them without receiving either the tax refund or the insurance. I keep getting phone calls on Ricks cell phone. One number is a bill collector for someone I've never heard of. I've told them several times we don't know this person and they have the wrong number and they just keep calling back. Then I keep getting calls that leave no message, caller id "unknown" and if I answer they hang up. I think that might be one of the boys. And my mother calls me weekly and complains that I haven't sent out the Thank You cards yet, like they are the most important thing I have to do. Logan's mom and his brother are fighting over Logan's SS money.... Another one of the boys has starting calling and visiting lately....and asking WAY too many questions about the insurance money.
I'm getting very angry at Rick for dying and leaving me all this crap to deal with.
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4/15/07:
I've been lost in paperwork land.
I was working on the yearly books for taxes when I received THAT phone call, so it's been really hard to force myself to complete the paperwork needed. I'm finally done, except for double checking the square footage of the rooms used for business. I have a appointment set up with the tax preparer we met earlier in the year (same person we've used for several years) at 4:30 pm tomorrow. So either we get taxes filed or file an extention tomorrow. Either way I should be done. Now I need to think about catching up on this years paperwork so I don't have the same mess next year.
-------------------------------------------------
4/26/07:
Shelly and I have been struggling with sleeping lately. We both wander around not being able to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, and then have trouble getting up once we finally fall asleep. Shelly has missed several days of school lately because she didn't get up and neither did I. So I can add being a bad mom to the list of things I'm worried about.
Reality is setting in hard here.
My yard is getting overgrown with this rain. I know at the end of last year the lawnmower was broken down, but I don't know what the problem was. I just didn't pay attention, both because of the stress of my dad's sickness and death, but mostly because Rick and the boys always dealt with that stuff. Neither Shelly or I have ever even started the lawnmower when it did work. The whole thing of taking it to get repaired, worrying about getting gas and oil, starting it....all the stuff needed to get to the point of actually pushing it to mow....seems overwhelming.
I've actually been thinking of getting a reel (handpush) mower. I had one many years ago when Dave was little and I was a single parent. It would be good exercise and would save me the headache of dealing with gas and breakdowns and all that stuff.
Some days I'm doing fine and others I'm a basket case. A hundred times a day I think or hear or see something I want to share with Rick and then it hits me again that I can't. Yesterday I was driving down the highway and a line in a song on the radio hit me and I'm crying again.
Shelly and I had to figure out where the paper supply comany that we buy packing peanuts and bubblewrap was located, neither of us had ever been there. I'm starting to see how much help Rick was with the eBay stuff, that I didn't realize. I had to make four trips out to the van with bags of inventory yesterday, since I had no one to help me carry stuff.
We still haven't figured out where the can redemption center moved to, they are no longer at the address listed in the phone book, and we're overrun with cans to be returned. (Iowa has 5 cents can deposit) Shelly's car had to go back into the shop again.
We are finally remembering trash day.
I'm still here reading when I can. Not everyday though. Still no insurance money so funds are getting tight and eBay has become a neccessity not a hobby.
The van and the truck are both in Rick's name, tags expired on his birthday and I can't find the paperwork to renew and switch to my name. I got a registered letter today from the city....something about the water shutoff is broken and I need to repair it. I called them to ask who I contact to get the repairs done....lady says she doesn't know. I lost it and yelled at her, if she works there and she doesn't know who does these repairs, how in the h*ll am I supposed to know? We took out a refund anticipation loan right before Rick died(not my idea and I didn't want to), the loan was due shortly after his death. They keep calling and calling me, I don't have the business paperwork done to file the taxes and I don't have the money to pay them without receiving either the tax refund or the insurance. I keep getting phone calls on Ricks cell phone. One number is a bill collector for someone I've never heard of. I've told them several times we don't know this person and they have the wrong number and they just keep calling back. Then I keep getting calls that leave no message, caller id "unknown" and if I answer they hang up. I think that might be one of the boys. And my mother calls me weekly and complains that I haven't sent out the Thank You cards yet, like they are the most important thing I have to do. Logan's mom and his brother are fighting over Logan's SS money.... Another one of the boys has starting calling and visiting lately....and asking WAY too many questions about the insurance money.
I'm getting very angry at Rick for dying and leaving me all this crap to deal with.
--------------------------------------------------------------
4/15/07:
I've been lost in paperwork land.
I was working on the yearly books for taxes when I received THAT phone call, so it's been really hard to force myself to complete the paperwork needed. I'm finally done, except for double checking the square footage of the rooms used for business. I have a appointment set up with the tax preparer we met earlier in the year (same person we've used for several years) at 4:30 pm tomorrow. So either we get taxes filed or file an extention tomorrow. Either way I should be done. Now I need to think about catching up on this years paperwork so I don't have the same mess next year.
-------------------------------------------------
4/26/07:
Shelly and I have been struggling with sleeping lately. We both wander around not being able to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, and then have trouble getting up once we finally fall asleep. Shelly has missed several days of school lately because she didn't get up and neither did I. So I can add being a bad mom to the list of things I'm worried about.
Reality is setting in hard here.
My yard is getting overgrown with this rain. I know at the end of last year the lawnmower was broken down, but I don't know what the problem was. I just didn't pay attention, both because of the stress of my dad's sickness and death, but mostly because Rick and the boys always dealt with that stuff. Neither Shelly or I have ever even started the lawnmower when it did work. The whole thing of taking it to get repaired, worrying about getting gas and oil, starting it....all the stuff needed to get to the point of actually pushing it to mow....seems overwhelming.
I've actually been thinking of getting a reel (handpush) mower. I had one many years ago when Dave was little and I was a single parent. It would be good exercise and would save me the headache of dealing with gas and breakdowns and all that stuff.
Some days I'm doing fine and others I'm a basket case. A hundred times a day I think or hear or see something I want to share with Rick and then it hits me again that I can't. Yesterday I was driving down the highway and a line in a song on the radio hit me and I'm crying again.
Shelly and I had to figure out where the paper supply comany that we buy packing peanuts and bubblewrap was located, neither of us had ever been there. I'm starting to see how much help Rick was with the eBay stuff, that I didn't realize. I had to make four trips out to the van with bags of inventory yesterday, since I had no one to help me carry stuff.
We still haven't figured out where the can redemption center moved to, they are no longer at the address listed in the phone book, and we're overrun with cans to be returned. (Iowa has 5 cents can deposit) Shelly's car had to go back into the shop again.
We are finally remembering trash day.
The Dream
Posted elsewhere 3/11/07:
Did you ever have dreams where you were searching for your late husband and couldn't find him?
------------------------------------
I just took a nap and had the worst dream. It started with me at a Josh Turner concert, watching Josh's sons while he was on stage. So I'm walking around with two little boys, one on each hip, sleeping on my shoulders. The babies were about 1 and 2. (Josh actually has one 6 month old son)
Suddenly I see Rick in the distance across the room. I head toward him and see it's not really him. Then I turn and see him again, start that way and see him again through the crowd and and it's someone else. After that I'm searching in the concert venue, in the halls, at the food booths, and backstage and I keep seeing his hat, his back, his hair and each time they turn or I get a second look through the crowd and realize it's not him. All the time I'm carrying these two adorable babies each with their head on my shoulder.
I woke up in tears and have been crying ever since.
--------------------------------------------------------
I don't recall having dreams of my brother or my dad since their deaths. I have had dreams of my ex-husband since his death, but they were always placed in the past when the kids were young, almost like watching old home movies.
I've done the searching thing in real life a dozen or so times since my dad's been gone. At the mall or in a store, catch a glance of someone who looks like him, take a second look and see its not dad and at the same time get that punched in the gut feeling realizing it can't be him, he's gone.
I haven't done that so far with Rick, but I've only been out in public three days since the funeral. And I don't think the first one counts....I took Logan and Shelly to Walmart grocery shopping, but I hid in the racks of clothes watching them shop so I didn't have to have any interaction with anyone. Actually I'm not sure I can count the second outing either. It was to the Drivers License Bureau with Shelly to get her license, I sat in a chair and stared in space while she took care of business.
The dream seemed and felt so real. The setting was real, a Josh concert (except for the babies) and the first glances I saw were really Rick, and it was so disappointing when it wasn't him. Then it turned into this crazy panicked search for him.
I don't feel like I am doing well at all.
Did you ever have dreams where you were searching for your late husband and couldn't find him?
------------------------------------
I just took a nap and had the worst dream. It started with me at a Josh Turner concert, watching Josh's sons while he was on stage. So I'm walking around with two little boys, one on each hip, sleeping on my shoulders. The babies were about 1 and 2. (Josh actually has one 6 month old son)
Suddenly I see Rick in the distance across the room. I head toward him and see it's not really him. Then I turn and see him again, start that way and see him again through the crowd and and it's someone else. After that I'm searching in the concert venue, in the halls, at the food booths, and backstage and I keep seeing his hat, his back, his hair and each time they turn or I get a second look through the crowd and realize it's not him. All the time I'm carrying these two adorable babies each with their head on my shoulder.
I woke up in tears and have been crying ever since.
--------------------------------------------------------
I don't recall having dreams of my brother or my dad since their deaths. I have had dreams of my ex-husband since his death, but they were always placed in the past when the kids were young, almost like watching old home movies.
I've done the searching thing in real life a dozen or so times since my dad's been gone. At the mall or in a store, catch a glance of someone who looks like him, take a second look and see its not dad and at the same time get that punched in the gut feeling realizing it can't be him, he's gone.
I haven't done that so far with Rick, but I've only been out in public three days since the funeral. And I don't think the first one counts....I took Logan and Shelly to Walmart grocery shopping, but I hid in the racks of clothes watching them shop so I didn't have to have any interaction with anyone. Actually I'm not sure I can count the second outing either. It was to the Drivers License Bureau with Shelly to get her license, I sat in a chair and stared in space while she took care of business.
The dream seemed and felt so real. The setting was real, a Josh concert (except for the babies) and the first glances I saw were really Rick, and it was so disappointing when it wasn't him. Then it turned into this crazy panicked search for him.
I don't feel like I am doing well at all.
Chocolate as a food group
Posted elsewhere on 3/10/07:
I did read and fall asleep early last night. The downside to that is I've been wide awake now since 2:45 AM.
It amazes me I'm losing weight, since I am not at all watching what I eat. Chocolate has become a major food group and often a meal. However, nothing seems to taste good, so I am not eating big portions of anything, even chocolate. If it wasn't for Shelly's mother hen tendencies, I'm sure I'd not have eaten at all many days. As it is, if she brings me something, I try to eat part of it, and if she doesn't, I don't even think of food. So weird.
I did read and fall asleep early last night. The downside to that is I've been wide awake now since 2:45 AM.
It amazes me I'm losing weight, since I am not at all watching what I eat. Chocolate has become a major food group and often a meal. However, nothing seems to taste good, so I am not eating big portions of anything, even chocolate. If it wasn't for Shelly's mother hen tendencies, I'm sure I'd not have eaten at all many days. As it is, if she brings me something, I try to eat part of it, and if she doesn't, I don't even think of food. So weird.
I don't know where I belong right now
Posted elsewhere on 3/12/07:
This is the only place I feel I can talk, and I'm working hard to not retreat from here. My natural instinct is to hide from everyone and everything (which I'm doing pretty well in real life) and I'm fighting myself daily to not do that here.
I've come to realize I have lots of acquaintances but no real friends in this town. My kids are great, but I'm trying to be strong for them when I see them. My mom is trying but I just can't deal with her right now. I had lots of work buddies but lost contact with them when I quit working in 2001.
My best friend Kim, whom I've known since high school, is currently in Arizona. She and her husband are retired and traveling the country in a RV. In the past we were always close no matter where we were (we've rarely been living in the same part of the country at the same time since high school) but we had started having some distance in our friendship before this happened, just our lives going different directions, and now it's even more obvious. While I've talked to her by phone a few times, there's a distance between us now. I know she and her husband care about me and the kids, and would do anything for us, but our talks aren't as easy as they used to be. I think part of it is some jealousy on my part, that she has her husband and is living her retirement dreams while I'll never have mine, and fear on her part that talking to me makes her see how easily she could lose it all.
I still post on the eBay board, but nothing personal, as it's a public business-based board. I've noticed there that anything personal I post seems to make the others uncomfortable and stops conversation, so I just don't.
I pretty much stopped posting on the Josh board while my dad was sick and never really started again. Once again, the posts I make there seem to make people feel uncomfortable and they don't know how to respond so they tend to ignore my posts. Then I feel worse than I did before, so I mostly read and not post there anymore.
I hate feeling so needy. Some days I post on all three boards and then repeatedly check back for replies. When they don't come, it just reinforces the point that others actually have lives and things to do, and makes my life feel so pointless.
------------------------------------------------------------
I feel so invisible now. I don't know who I am. I'm a wife with no husband. A mother with no kids. Except Shelly, who's acting more like a mother instead of a kid these days, which also makes me worry that I'm putting too much of a burden on her.
We had plans and dreams for the future. Goals set to make those dreams into reality. Now my future looks like a big black nothingness. Most days I feel if I disappeared, no one would even notice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that the raw pain of losing Rick is a bit better (not that it's better, or I feel it less, just that I'm getting more used to the idea), I feel like I've lost ME, too.
I've always been a strong person, able to take charge of any situation and do what needed to be done. I was like that as a single mother. I was that way during my 16 year marriage to my ex-husband, who had alcohol and drug addictions. I was like that as a divorced mother. I knew what needed to be done, knew I couldn't depend on anyone else, so I did what I needed to do.
Then I met Rick, and for the first time, I didn't need to work, I didn't need to be the one taking care of business and finances, I had someone who wanted to take care of me. Someone who loved me for ME, not for what I could do or provide for them.
We both had found what we were searching for, so we pretty much shut out the rest of the world. Spending time with and taking care of, each other and our family was our main focus in life. Sure, I had my friends online, and he had his work buddies, but our free time was spent with our kids, spending time alone and planning our future together when the kids were grown. We knew we wouldn't have the years together that other couples would, because we wasted so many years with the wrong people, so we wanted to be able to spend as much time together as possible.
So while shutting out the outside world now leaves me with less of a support system, I don't regret at all that we chose to live that way.
It just seems cruel of fate to have snatched away what I spent my whole life searching for after I finally found it.
This is the only place I feel I can talk, and I'm working hard to not retreat from here. My natural instinct is to hide from everyone and everything (which I'm doing pretty well in real life) and I'm fighting myself daily to not do that here.
I've come to realize I have lots of acquaintances but no real friends in this town. My kids are great, but I'm trying to be strong for them when I see them. My mom is trying but I just can't deal with her right now. I had lots of work buddies but lost contact with them when I quit working in 2001.
My best friend Kim, whom I've known since high school, is currently in Arizona. She and her husband are retired and traveling the country in a RV. In the past we were always close no matter where we were (we've rarely been living in the same part of the country at the same time since high school) but we had started having some distance in our friendship before this happened, just our lives going different directions, and now it's even more obvious. While I've talked to her by phone a few times, there's a distance between us now. I know she and her husband care about me and the kids, and would do anything for us, but our talks aren't as easy as they used to be. I think part of it is some jealousy on my part, that she has her husband and is living her retirement dreams while I'll never have mine, and fear on her part that talking to me makes her see how easily she could lose it all.
I still post on the eBay board, but nothing personal, as it's a public business-based board. I've noticed there that anything personal I post seems to make the others uncomfortable and stops conversation, so I just don't.
I pretty much stopped posting on the Josh board while my dad was sick and never really started again. Once again, the posts I make there seem to make people feel uncomfortable and they don't know how to respond so they tend to ignore my posts. Then I feel worse than I did before, so I mostly read and not post there anymore.
I hate feeling so needy. Some days I post on all three boards and then repeatedly check back for replies. When they don't come, it just reinforces the point that others actually have lives and things to do, and makes my life feel so pointless.
------------------------------------------------------------
I feel so invisible now. I don't know who I am. I'm a wife with no husband. A mother with no kids. Except Shelly, who's acting more like a mother instead of a kid these days, which also makes me worry that I'm putting too much of a burden on her.
We had plans and dreams for the future. Goals set to make those dreams into reality. Now my future looks like a big black nothingness. Most days I feel if I disappeared, no one would even notice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that the raw pain of losing Rick is a bit better (not that it's better, or I feel it less, just that I'm getting more used to the idea), I feel like I've lost ME, too.
I've always been a strong person, able to take charge of any situation and do what needed to be done. I was like that as a single mother. I was that way during my 16 year marriage to my ex-husband, who had alcohol and drug addictions. I was like that as a divorced mother. I knew what needed to be done, knew I couldn't depend on anyone else, so I did what I needed to do.
Then I met Rick, and for the first time, I didn't need to work, I didn't need to be the one taking care of business and finances, I had someone who wanted to take care of me. Someone who loved me for ME, not for what I could do or provide for them.
We both had found what we were searching for, so we pretty much shut out the rest of the world. Spending time with and taking care of, each other and our family was our main focus in life. Sure, I had my friends online, and he had his work buddies, but our free time was spent with our kids, spending time alone and planning our future together when the kids were grown. We knew we wouldn't have the years together that other couples would, because we wasted so many years with the wrong people, so we wanted to be able to spend as much time together as possible.
So while shutting out the outside world now leaves me with less of a support system, I don't regret at all that we chose to live that way.
It just seems cruel of fate to have snatched away what I spent my whole life searching for after I finally found it.
Insurance Money
Posted elsewhere on 3/16/07:
I've been thinking.....
About money. And how it has affected my life and future.
At first I was panicked. Our major income was gone. How would we survive? Would I have to go out of the house to get a REAL job?
When I found out there was life insurance I was relieved. We wouldn't starve, I could pay the bills.
Then when I actually examined the numbers I was a bit disappointed and even a tiny bit angry. We should have planned better for the future. While we won't starve, if we tried to live just on the insurance money, we'd be broke in no time. So maintaining the eBay business became a priority to supplement our income.
In the beginning it was hard. I never have felt less like working. It was bittersweet, knowing the purpose of the business had been income for our retirement dreams. My husband just died, I really didn't care if people got their frigging lotions and creams. But I did it anyway, because I needed the income.
Slowly, I began to see it was good for me to work. Minutes and then hours of the day I had something else to focus on besides my loss. While the rest of my life was a mess, eBay was the same as it always was. I gained self-confidence in knowing this was one thing I could still do, and do well. It got me out of bed in the mornings, I had sales to check and packages to send. My customers don't know or care that my husband just died, they just want what they paid for, now.
Now I see that the amount of insurance was a blessing. If there was less or no insurance, I'd be hurting financially. If there was more, I'd probably have quit eBay and be hiding in my bed.
I've been thinking.....
About money. And how it has affected my life and future.
At first I was panicked. Our major income was gone. How would we survive? Would I have to go out of the house to get a REAL job?
When I found out there was life insurance I was relieved. We wouldn't starve, I could pay the bills.
Then when I actually examined the numbers I was a bit disappointed and even a tiny bit angry. We should have planned better for the future. While we won't starve, if we tried to live just on the insurance money, we'd be broke in no time. So maintaining the eBay business became a priority to supplement our income.
In the beginning it was hard. I never have felt less like working. It was bittersweet, knowing the purpose of the business had been income for our retirement dreams. My husband just died, I really didn't care if people got their frigging lotions and creams. But I did it anyway, because I needed the income.
Slowly, I began to see it was good for me to work. Minutes and then hours of the day I had something else to focus on besides my loss. While the rest of my life was a mess, eBay was the same as it always was. I gained self-confidence in knowing this was one thing I could still do, and do well. It got me out of bed in the mornings, I had sales to check and packages to send. My customers don't know or care that my husband just died, they just want what they paid for, now.
Now I see that the amount of insurance was a blessing. If there was less or no insurance, I'd be hurting financially. If there was more, I'd probably have quit eBay and be hiding in my bed.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Empty House, Empty Life
The girls are the only thing keeping me going right now. I did get sleep last night, which helps. Of course, I was exhausted from being up all night the night before.
The house is so empty. Not only am I missing Rick, but both boys who were living here are gone now too. I know to everyone else involved I'm "only" a stepmom, but I've been Mom to those boys for 6 years so to me and Shelly we have lost the rest of our family too.
Missy has been staying here every night, just going home to brush teeth and grab clean clothes. But both girls are busy with work, and Shelly is still in school, so there are lots of hours with just me here.
For some reason, the act of standing under the water in the shower gets me sobbing uncontrolably, which is probably why I'm avoiding it.
I am still mailing out eBay packages as needed, and doing the bare minimum to keep the business going. It's hard, but I know I'm going to need that income, so can't afford to ignore it completely.
Yesterday was my dad's birthday, the first since his death in October. Tomorrow is my brother Steve's birthday, he died of suicide at age 29. And Wednesday would have been Rick's 55th birthday.
Not an easy week.
The house is so empty. Not only am I missing Rick, but both boys who were living here are gone now too. I know to everyone else involved I'm "only" a stepmom, but I've been Mom to those boys for 6 years so to me and Shelly we have lost the rest of our family too.
Missy has been staying here every night, just going home to brush teeth and grab clean clothes. But both girls are busy with work, and Shelly is still in school, so there are lots of hours with just me here.
For some reason, the act of standing under the water in the shower gets me sobbing uncontrolably, which is probably why I'm avoiding it.
I am still mailing out eBay packages as needed, and doing the bare minimum to keep the business going. It's hard, but I know I'm going to need that income, so can't afford to ignore it completely.
Yesterday was my dad's birthday, the first since his death in October. Tomorrow is my brother Steve's birthday, he died of suicide at age 29. And Wednesday would have been Rick's 55th birthday.
Not an easy week.
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