The Dream

Posted elsewhere 3/11/07:

Did you ever have dreams where you were searching for your late husband and couldn't find him?

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I just took a nap and had the worst dream. It started with me at a Josh Turner concert, watching Josh's sons while he was on stage. So I'm walking around with two little boys, one on each hip, sleeping on my shoulders. The babies were about 1 and 2. (Josh actually has one 6 month old son)

Suddenly I see Rick in the distance across the room. I head toward him and see it's not really him. Then I turn and see him again, start that way and see him again through the crowd and and it's someone else. After that I'm searching in the concert venue, in the halls, at the food booths, and backstage and I keep seeing his hat, his back, his hair and each time they turn or I get a second look through the crowd and realize it's not him. All the time I'm carrying these two adorable babies each with their head on my shoulder.

I woke up in tears and have been crying ever since.

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I don't recall having dreams of my brother or my dad since their deaths. I have had dreams of my ex-husband since his death, but they were always placed in the past when the kids were young, almost like watching old home movies.

I've done the searching thing in real life a dozen or so times since my dad's been gone. At the mall or in a store, catch a glance of someone who looks like him, take a second look and see its not dad and at the same time get that punched in the gut feeling realizing it can't be him, he's gone.

I haven't done that so far with Rick, but I've only been out in public three days since the funeral. And I don't think the first one counts....I took Logan and Shelly to Walmart grocery shopping, but I hid in the racks of clothes watching them shop so I didn't have to have any interaction with anyone. Actually I'm not sure I can count the second outing either. It was to the Drivers License Bureau with Shelly to get her license, I sat in a chair and stared in space while she took care of business.

The dream seemed and felt so real. The setting was real, a Josh concert (except for the babies) and the first glances I saw were really Rick, and it was so disappointing when it wasn't him. Then it turned into this crazy panicked search for him.

I don't feel like I am doing well at all.