The girls are the only thing keeping me going right now. I did get sleep last night, which helps. Of course, I was exhausted from being up all night the night before.
The house is so empty. Not only am I missing Rick, but both boys who were living here are gone now too. I know to everyone else involved I'm "only" a stepmom, but I've been Mom to those boys for 6 years so to me and Shelly we have lost the rest of our family too.
Missy has been staying here every night, just going home to brush teeth and grab clean clothes. But both girls are busy with work, and Shelly is still in school, so there are lots of hours with just me here.
For some reason, the act of standing under the water in the shower gets me sobbing uncontrolably, which is probably why I'm avoiding it.
I am still mailing out eBay packages as needed, and doing the bare minimum to keep the business going. It's hard, but I know I'm going to need that income, so can't afford to ignore it completely.
Yesterday was my dad's birthday, the first since his death in October. Tomorrow is my brother Steve's birthday, he died of suicide at age 29. And Wednesday would have been Rick's 55th birthday.
Not an easy week.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Missing Rick
I miss him so much.
I don't know how to make it through each day.
I know Rick would want me to take care of myself, but it's hard to see any point to it.
I don't know how to make it through each day.
I know Rick would want me to take care of myself, but it's hard to see any point to it.
Getting through the Day
I remembered to weigh this morning and I've lost a pound.
I've been eating whatever I want. Basically I eat whatever anyone feeds me. Most of the time it tastes like cardboard or shoeleather, so I eat a couple bites and stop. And if no one brings me food, I either don't notice, or don't care.
I don't exactly recommend it as a diet plan.
I have been taking my meds daily, and trying to drink at least some water instead of all diet coke. I'm smoking again. Rick died two days short of our 2 year quitting anniversary. I started again that day at the hospital. Quit the Saturday after the funeral. Started again the day the boys left. Basically living on cigarettes and diet coke the last few days.
Can't remember the last time I showered. Or changed my clothes. Or left the house. I need to shower, dress and leave the house today to get some paperwork done.
Maybe.
I've been eating whatever I want. Basically I eat whatever anyone feeds me. Most of the time it tastes like cardboard or shoeleather, so I eat a couple bites and stop. And if no one brings me food, I either don't notice, or don't care.
I don't exactly recommend it as a diet plan.
I have been taking my meds daily, and trying to drink at least some water instead of all diet coke. I'm smoking again. Rick died two days short of our 2 year quitting anniversary. I started again that day at the hospital. Quit the Saturday after the funeral. Started again the day the boys left. Basically living on cigarettes and diet coke the last few days.
Can't remember the last time I showered. Or changed my clothes. Or left the house. I need to shower, dress and leave the house today to get some paperwork done.
Maybe.
More Heartache
Saturday, March 3
The boys just left this morning to move to their mom's house. All the older brothers except one were here to move them out. They have been planning this most of the week. I found out when they sent one of the older ones (the one I'm least close to) to tell me, as they were loading up their clothes.
The boys just left this morning to move to their mom's house. All the older brothers except one were here to move them out. They have been planning this most of the week. I found out when they sent one of the older ones (the one I'm least close to) to tell me, as they were loading up their clothes.
Friday, March 2, 2007
A Life Changing Moment
Do you ever have those flashes of warning that your life is about to change?
Two weeks ago was just like any other day. I had been up late the night before working on paperwork needed to file taxes. Rick snuck out quietly in the morning without waking me. I'm sure he kissed me goodbye, but I don't remember it. I took the kids to school, then settled in to finish up that paperwork so I could relax over the weekend.
The phone rang once, early, and someone left a voice mail. I assumed it was a bill collector and didn't bother to fetch the phone from the bedroom. Then shortly after ten, the phone rang again. I ran to grab it, but it stopped ringing before I got there. I fully expected it to be Rick, as he called every morning on his break to check in, see how the day was going, check on sales, say good morning if I hadn't seen him before work, and let me know his schedule for the day. Since I missed the call, I listened to the voice mail from earlier, yup, I was right, a bill collector. The phone rang again while it was still in my hand. I answered, expecting to hear my sweetie.
Someone identified themselves as from the hospital, asking if John Deere had called me. They hadn't. (I later learned they had Rick's cell phone number, not mine, and his was in his locker at work.)
I was calmly told that Rick had collapsed at work and was transported by ambulance to the hospital. I asked if he was breathing, they replied they were currently helping him breathe. I was told to come to the Emergency Room.
"Do you have someone to drive you?" Cold chills ran down my spine. For the first time, it occurred to me it may be serious. Up to that point, I assumed it was pneumonia or a diabetic complication, something that rest and proper meds would fix.
As I had just thrown jeans and sweatshirt over jammies to drive the kids to school, I quickly changed clothes, brushed teeth and applied deodorant. Returning the deodorant to the shelf, out of habit I grabbed the perfume spray next to it and quickly sprayed myself.
Suddenly I had a flash of fear. I remember thinking the words "This may be the last time I routinely prepare to leave the house. This could be one of those life-changing moments."
Little did I know exactly how true that thought was to be.
Two weeks ago was just like any other day. I had been up late the night before working on paperwork needed to file taxes. Rick snuck out quietly in the morning without waking me. I'm sure he kissed me goodbye, but I don't remember it. I took the kids to school, then settled in to finish up that paperwork so I could relax over the weekend.
The phone rang once, early, and someone left a voice mail. I assumed it was a bill collector and didn't bother to fetch the phone from the bedroom. Then shortly after ten, the phone rang again. I ran to grab it, but it stopped ringing before I got there. I fully expected it to be Rick, as he called every morning on his break to check in, see how the day was going, check on sales, say good morning if I hadn't seen him before work, and let me know his schedule for the day. Since I missed the call, I listened to the voice mail from earlier, yup, I was right, a bill collector. The phone rang again while it was still in my hand. I answered, expecting to hear my sweetie.
Someone identified themselves as from the hospital, asking if John Deere had called me. They hadn't. (I later learned they had Rick's cell phone number, not mine, and his was in his locker at work.)
I was calmly told that Rick had collapsed at work and was transported by ambulance to the hospital. I asked if he was breathing, they replied they were currently helping him breathe. I was told to come to the Emergency Room.
"Do you have someone to drive you?" Cold chills ran down my spine. For the first time, it occurred to me it may be serious. Up to that point, I assumed it was pneumonia or a diabetic complication, something that rest and proper meds would fix.
As I had just thrown jeans and sweatshirt over jammies to drive the kids to school, I quickly changed clothes, brushed teeth and applied deodorant. Returning the deodorant to the shelf, out of habit I grabbed the perfume spray next to it and quickly sprayed myself.
Suddenly I had a flash of fear. I remember thinking the words "This may be the last time I routinely prepare to leave the house. This could be one of those life-changing moments."
Little did I know exactly how true that thought was to be.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Unreal Reality
(Note: I believe my need to talk (write) is making some of my friends in other online groups uncomfortable. I understand, as I felt the same way under the same circumstances in the past. So I'm starting at the beginning here by copying posts I made in other places.)
2/17/07 2:03 AM
My husband Rick had a massive heart attack at work today, was taken to the ER and died at 11:08 tonight. Our 5th wedding anniversary was yesterday. We decided last night not to go out to dinner last night, that we would go out Saturday night instead.
2/17/07 11:25 AM
Thank you everyone. I'm just in shock. I can't think straight. I couldn't sleep at all last night and finally this morning I slept 45 minutes hugging Rick's pillow. I was picking up laundry in the bedroom and I couldn't stand to put two t-shirts in the laundry because they still smell like him. I've been listening to his voice in messages on my voice mail. The guy from the funeral home left a message but I can't bear to call him back. Thursday was our fifth wedding anniversary, we planned to go to dinner tonight. In the six years we were together the only nights we spent apart were when he was in the hospital a couple times, and that was only long enough for me to come home to shower and change clothes.
2/18/07 2:22 PM
Several months ago on an eBay message board I post on, we were sharing stories of how we met our spouses, and I told the story of how Rick and I met. I just found and copied my post from that board and want to post it here.
----------------------------------------
DH and I met online also, second marriage for both of us. We will hit our 5 year anniversary Feb 15. We started chatting by email and IM's, and discovered we lived in the same neighborhood, our kids attended the same school and his son and my daughter were in the same class. We met for the first time at a Country Kitchen at 4 am after talking all evening on the phone, several weeks after we had started talking by computer.
I had just recently started dating again, and he had not been on any dates at all. He asked me out, and I turned him down, saying we should remain friends instead. The fact he had done no dating scared me, and the idea of dating someone with 6 sons (5 living with him) while I had 3 kids of my own was just plain crazy.
For several months afterwards we did lots of talking on the phone and computer, had several family-style outings with his kids and mine, and compared notes on our various dating fiascos. I actually took him out shopping for new clothes to wear for dates, and he rescued me when my car broke down.
Then he was admitted to the hospital with heart problems, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that this man had all the qualities I was looking for in others I was dating, and that he was much more than a friend to me. We had our first kiss in that hospital room and have been together ever since. After several months of dating, my daughters and I moved into his house to see if we could combine this crazy mess of kids into a family.
That first year was rough, but we all lived through it, and we married a year later, with my oldest and his oldest as our witnesses and all 9 kids in attendance in a courthouse wedding.
--------------------------------
He died in the same hospital, in the same ICU, as where this took place.
2/21/07 7:23 AM
Thank you so much everyone for your prayers and support. Thanks to all to sent emails - I can't name each of you individually, my brain is mush right now, but each and every one was appreciated. Thank you for your sweet comments on the guest book. Teresa thank you so much for your phone calls, I know you understand why I had to cut short the conversations. I have a houseful of kids needing mom's attention right now, plus I could only talk for a limited time before breaking down to where I couldn't speak. Thank you so much for the flowers. They were beautiful, but more important, they were placed right next to the chair where I sat greeting people all day long, and I gathered strength from your presence with me many times throughout the day.
2/26/07 9:14 PM
i'm so lost...
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to work on eBay because we need the income but it's so hard to care about doing it. The whole point of doing the eBay stuff was to build up a supplemental income to add to the pension for us to retire to Nashville. Now there's no retirement, no Nashville, no future.
Logan (16) has decided he no longer has to ask permission or inform me where he's at, has just been coming and going.
Dalton (14) spent the weekend with his brother Sky (18), just came home this morning. He'll follow the others.
Sky spent the day sleeping here, then took Dalton and Logan out to dinner. Didn't ask if they could leave, or tell me they were leaving, or ask if Shelly and I wanted to go, just took the boys and left.
Two of the boys have told me that their mother says there should be another insurance policy. They all seem to think I'm lying or hiding something. I've checked with the lawyer, there is no safety deposit box, nothing in his papers, I know he wasn't making payments on any policy or I would have known. He had mentioned to me one time there was a policy from Deere's. As far as I know that's all there is. I'm tired of the boys questioning me about it.
So the boys are gone, Shelly left in tears, and I'm home alone in this house.
2/27/07 11:53 AM
Another day.
Sky took the kids to school this morning. Finally came and talked to me. We yelled and cried but I think he finally understands that we have to keep some order and rules going here, that he can't just take off with the boys without informing me, and the boys must still ask permission to leave the house, just like always.
Sky and Erin and baby Colin went back home. Kids are at school. I wander from room to room getting nothing done. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I try to watch TV and end up just flipping channels. I'm working on eBay stuff but not getting far. I can't talk on the phone without crying. I alternate between not being able to stand going into the bedroom because it's so empty now, and wanting to hide under the covers and never come out.
Took 5 trips in and out to type this.
Please don't let my posts make you uncomfortable or stop posting. I need to hear ordinary details of regular life, even if I can't comment on them right now.
Thank you for giving me a place where I don't have to be strong.
I never realized before what a horrible question "Are you ok?" is at a time like this. While the standard answer I give is "yes", inside I'm screaming "no, I'm not ok, no, I'm not going to be ok, no, things will never be okay ever again."
2/27/07 7:01 PM
Shelly got her drivers license after school today. Dave and Dawn drove us out there, as I'm still rather spacy to drive (I keep getting lost or forgetting where I'm going, and I was born and raised in this town). I let Shelly drive to the Post Office today with me with her to check how she's doing, and then approved her driving to and from work tonight. She works 5-8, I made her call me when she got there, told her to call before she leaves to come home, and of course I'm worried, but she had been driving running errands regularly before, and having another driver will help out.
Needing to go with Shelly to the Drivers Bureau got me out of jammies, in a shower, and out of the house. None of which I had done since Friday, except for running the kids to school yesterday morning (in jammies and no shower).
2/28/07 1:23 PM
Freezing rain and sleet headed this way today. Schools are being dismissed 2 hours early.
I have actually managed to get some things done today. Started a load of towels. Straightened up a little downstairs, wiped down counters, stove, table. Made my bed. Took pictures of products and printed some records I need for eBay.
I ordered a new Calendar from Flylady.net this morning. It has big daily squares for writing stuff, and lots of stickers for events (birthdays, dentist, doctor, non-school days, etc) I figure it may take a while to be able to think straight and remember things, so marking everything on a calendar seems like a good idea. And it may help the kids to be more organized in their lives too.
Since so much of our lives seems so out of control right now, I think planning and organizing and maintaining our daily schedules in the areas we can control will help all of us.
2/28/07 9:04 PM
I found Flylady years ago. I do have a hard copy of my control journal somewhere in this office, but what I use most are some checklists I have on my computer desktop. (Morning Routine, Before Bed Routine, Weekly Home Blessing, etc.)
When I'm lost and confused, I don't have to think, but just follow the list. Whatever gets done is more than what would be done by wandering around lost.
I'm using my timer daily for my eBay stuff. I can't concentrate for 15 minutes yet, but I'm doing 5 minutes at a time and slowly getting some work done. Better to really focus and work for 5 minutes than to spend an hour or two wandering aimlessly, both online and through the house.
Flylady is what actually led to me selling on eBay. Decluttering the house ended up with decluttering the attic, and finding a box of old 45 RPM records. No one wanted them (Goodwill, thift shops) and I didn't want to throw them out. So I investigated eBay, I'd never been there at the time. Spent a month buying and reading all about how it worked, then started selling. (Of course the house is now even more cluttered with stuff to sell)
2/28/07 11:58 PM
Good night all.... I give up on trying to work.
Now I'll switch to trying to sleep, which isn't any easier.
3/1/07 6:27 AM
Laid in there flipping channels for hours. Slept a little. Now I'm back up again.
I'm tired. I wish I could sleep.
3/1/07 8:50 AM
I don't feel very strong.
I feel sad and lonely and depressed.
I'm tired but I can't fall asleep and when I do, I can't stay asleep.
Most days I forget to eat unless someone brings me something. Yesterday I actually was hungry, but after cooking I ate two bites and it tasted like cardboard to me.
I can't seem to talk without crying, especially on the phone.
When my phone rings during the day, for a split second I think it's him. Rick always called me several times a day just to talk and check in. Every phone call and voice mail always ended with "Love you..bye" I have three voice mail from him on my phone that I try not to listen to too often.
I miss having someone to talk to. The little things with the kids, the weather, the news, asking his opinion on a business matter.
I'm worried about money and know I need to get to work on eBay to keep a steady income coming in, but I can't think or concentrate.
From the time we first started living together, we have had lots of kids living here (7 at first, down to 3 now) Rick always promised me that someday all the kids would be gone and it would be time for us. We searched around and picked Nashville as the place we wanted to retire to. I'm angry at him for breaking his promise and angry at myself for being angry at him. (And yes I know this is all normal but it doesn't make it any easier knowing that.)
2/17/07 2:03 AM
My husband Rick had a massive heart attack at work today, was taken to the ER and died at 11:08 tonight. Our 5th wedding anniversary was yesterday. We decided last night not to go out to dinner last night, that we would go out Saturday night instead.
2/17/07 11:25 AM
Thank you everyone. I'm just in shock. I can't think straight. I couldn't sleep at all last night and finally this morning I slept 45 minutes hugging Rick's pillow. I was picking up laundry in the bedroom and I couldn't stand to put two t-shirts in the laundry because they still smell like him. I've been listening to his voice in messages on my voice mail. The guy from the funeral home left a message but I can't bear to call him back. Thursday was our fifth wedding anniversary, we planned to go to dinner tonight. In the six years we were together the only nights we spent apart were when he was in the hospital a couple times, and that was only long enough for me to come home to shower and change clothes.
2/18/07 2:22 PM
Several months ago on an eBay message board I post on, we were sharing stories of how we met our spouses, and I told the story of how Rick and I met. I just found and copied my post from that board and want to post it here.
----------------------------------------
DH and I met online also, second marriage for both of us. We will hit our 5 year anniversary Feb 15. We started chatting by email and IM's, and discovered we lived in the same neighborhood, our kids attended the same school and his son and my daughter were in the same class. We met for the first time at a Country Kitchen at 4 am after talking all evening on the phone, several weeks after we had started talking by computer.
I had just recently started dating again, and he had not been on any dates at all. He asked me out, and I turned him down, saying we should remain friends instead. The fact he had done no dating scared me, and the idea of dating someone with 6 sons (5 living with him) while I had 3 kids of my own was just plain crazy.
For several months afterwards we did lots of talking on the phone and computer, had several family-style outings with his kids and mine, and compared notes on our various dating fiascos. I actually took him out shopping for new clothes to wear for dates, and he rescued me when my car broke down.
Then he was admitted to the hospital with heart problems, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that this man had all the qualities I was looking for in others I was dating, and that he was much more than a friend to me. We had our first kiss in that hospital room and have been together ever since. After several months of dating, my daughters and I moved into his house to see if we could combine this crazy mess of kids into a family.
That first year was rough, but we all lived through it, and we married a year later, with my oldest and his oldest as our witnesses and all 9 kids in attendance in a courthouse wedding.
--------------------------------
He died in the same hospital, in the same ICU, as where this took place.
2/21/07 7:23 AM
Thank you so much everyone for your prayers and support. Thanks to all to sent emails - I can't name each of you individually, my brain is mush right now, but each and every one was appreciated. Thank you for your sweet comments on the guest book. Teresa thank you so much for your phone calls, I know you understand why I had to cut short the conversations. I have a houseful of kids needing mom's attention right now, plus I could only talk for a limited time before breaking down to where I couldn't speak. Thank you so much for the flowers. They were beautiful, but more important, they were placed right next to the chair where I sat greeting people all day long, and I gathered strength from your presence with me many times throughout the day.
2/26/07 9:14 PM
i'm so lost...
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to work on eBay because we need the income but it's so hard to care about doing it. The whole point of doing the eBay stuff was to build up a supplemental income to add to the pension for us to retire to Nashville. Now there's no retirement, no Nashville, no future.
Logan (16) has decided he no longer has to ask permission or inform me where he's at, has just been coming and going.
Dalton (14) spent the weekend with his brother Sky (18), just came home this morning. He'll follow the others.
Sky spent the day sleeping here, then took Dalton and Logan out to dinner. Didn't ask if they could leave, or tell me they were leaving, or ask if Shelly and I wanted to go, just took the boys and left.
Two of the boys have told me that their mother says there should be another insurance policy. They all seem to think I'm lying or hiding something. I've checked with the lawyer, there is no safety deposit box, nothing in his papers, I know he wasn't making payments on any policy or I would have known. He had mentioned to me one time there was a policy from Deere's. As far as I know that's all there is. I'm tired of the boys questioning me about it.
So the boys are gone, Shelly left in tears, and I'm home alone in this house.
2/27/07 11:53 AM
Another day.
Sky took the kids to school this morning. Finally came and talked to me. We yelled and cried but I think he finally understands that we have to keep some order and rules going here, that he can't just take off with the boys without informing me, and the boys must still ask permission to leave the house, just like always.
Sky and Erin and baby Colin went back home. Kids are at school. I wander from room to room getting nothing done. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I try to watch TV and end up just flipping channels. I'm working on eBay stuff but not getting far. I can't talk on the phone without crying. I alternate between not being able to stand going into the bedroom because it's so empty now, and wanting to hide under the covers and never come out.
Took 5 trips in and out to type this.
Please don't let my posts make you uncomfortable or stop posting. I need to hear ordinary details of regular life, even if I can't comment on them right now.
Thank you for giving me a place where I don't have to be strong.
I never realized before what a horrible question "Are you ok?" is at a time like this. While the standard answer I give is "yes", inside I'm screaming "no, I'm not ok, no, I'm not going to be ok, no, things will never be okay ever again."
2/27/07 7:01 PM
Shelly got her drivers license after school today. Dave and Dawn drove us out there, as I'm still rather spacy to drive (I keep getting lost or forgetting where I'm going, and I was born and raised in this town). I let Shelly drive to the Post Office today with me with her to check how she's doing, and then approved her driving to and from work tonight. She works 5-8, I made her call me when she got there, told her to call before she leaves to come home, and of course I'm worried, but she had been driving running errands regularly before, and having another driver will help out.
Needing to go with Shelly to the Drivers Bureau got me out of jammies, in a shower, and out of the house. None of which I had done since Friday, except for running the kids to school yesterday morning (in jammies and no shower).
2/28/07 1:23 PM
Freezing rain and sleet headed this way today. Schools are being dismissed 2 hours early.
I have actually managed to get some things done today. Started a load of towels. Straightened up a little downstairs, wiped down counters, stove, table. Made my bed. Took pictures of products and printed some records I need for eBay.
I ordered a new Calendar from Flylady.net this morning. It has big daily squares for writing stuff, and lots of stickers for events (birthdays, dentist, doctor, non-school days, etc) I figure it may take a while to be able to think straight and remember things, so marking everything on a calendar seems like a good idea. And it may help the kids to be more organized in their lives too.
Since so much of our lives seems so out of control right now, I think planning and organizing and maintaining our daily schedules in the areas we can control will help all of us.
2/28/07 9:04 PM
I found Flylady years ago. I do have a hard copy of my control journal somewhere in this office, but what I use most are some checklists I have on my computer desktop. (Morning Routine, Before Bed Routine, Weekly Home Blessing, etc.)
When I'm lost and confused, I don't have to think, but just follow the list. Whatever gets done is more than what would be done by wandering around lost.
I'm using my timer daily for my eBay stuff. I can't concentrate for 15 minutes yet, but I'm doing 5 minutes at a time and slowly getting some work done. Better to really focus and work for 5 minutes than to spend an hour or two wandering aimlessly, both online and through the house.
Flylady is what actually led to me selling on eBay. Decluttering the house ended up with decluttering the attic, and finding a box of old 45 RPM records. No one wanted them (Goodwill, thift shops) and I didn't want to throw them out. So I investigated eBay, I'd never been there at the time. Spent a month buying and reading all about how it worked, then started selling. (Of course the house is now even more cluttered with stuff to sell)
2/28/07 11:58 PM
Good night all.... I give up on trying to work.
Now I'll switch to trying to sleep, which isn't any easier.
3/1/07 6:27 AM
Laid in there flipping channels for hours. Slept a little. Now I'm back up again.
I'm tired. I wish I could sleep.
3/1/07 8:50 AM
I don't feel very strong.
I feel sad and lonely and depressed.
I'm tired but I can't fall asleep and when I do, I can't stay asleep.
Most days I forget to eat unless someone brings me something. Yesterday I actually was hungry, but after cooking I ate two bites and it tasted like cardboard to me.
I can't seem to talk without crying, especially on the phone.
When my phone rings during the day, for a split second I think it's him. Rick always called me several times a day just to talk and check in. Every phone call and voice mail always ended with "Love you..bye" I have three voice mail from him on my phone that I try not to listen to too often.
I miss having someone to talk to. The little things with the kids, the weather, the news, asking his opinion on a business matter.
I'm worried about money and know I need to get to work on eBay to keep a steady income coming in, but I can't think or concentrate.
From the time we first started living together, we have had lots of kids living here (7 at first, down to 3 now) Rick always promised me that someday all the kids would be gone and it would be time for us. We searched around and picked Nashville as the place we wanted to retire to. I'm angry at him for breaking his promise and angry at myself for being angry at him. (And yes I know this is all normal but it doesn't make it any easier knowing that.)
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